Fighting My Demons

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It’s a loaded word.

I could talk about a million different subjects under this topic, but the one that is on my mind tonight is the lasting effects that words have on someone.

I have a boyfriend. I am in a very healthy relationship – we laugh, we kiss, and when we hurt each others feelings, we apologize.

We communicate.

Lately, I have been feeling insecure. Not because of anything he’s done or said negatively, but because of things that have happened to me in the past that have resurfaced.

I don’t feel like I’m allowed to be this happy.

It’s a loaded statement. And you’re probably wondering what this has to do with bullying.

Now, let me make this perfectly clear: I am happy. Happier than I have ever been in my life. I am in love and there isn’t anyone who can change my mind. He showers me with affection, is understanding when I cry for no reason, and doesn’t judge me for the things that I’ve done. He accepts me for who I am. 

Past experiences make us the people that we are. We change, we grow, and we adapt. But there are some things, especially when we’re young, that happen and effect us throughout our lives.

Some of these things I fight to keep locked up, deep down. But when I let myself be vulnerable – that is when they start to surface. It’s like a wave that starts out in the middle of the ocean, and until it gets closer to shore, you don’t know if it will be a tsunami or a little ripple.

I have been bullied multiple times in my life. By friends, and by loved ones. I have been bullied to the point that it was emotionally abusive. I don’t, and can’t, talk about specifics, but these words, these actions, resonate with me no matter what I do to try to make them go away.

Sometimes it’s a look. Sometimes it’s the tone of voice or an innocent phrase.

To the unsuspecting person, they may not know the feelings they’ve brought to the surface, but it’s not their fault. It’s the ones before. And it’s not fair that they should have to tip-toe around, wondering if what they say next will be followed by tears.

People have told me over and over again, “Just get over it, it happened so long again.”

But it’s not that easy.

Do you remember the feeling you used to get, when you heard the ice cream truck driving up your street in the summer? The feelings of excitement, anticipation, joy?

Well it’s the same thing, except my triggers bring back emotional pain and insecurity.

So what is my point?

G knows that something is bothering me. I’ve been acting weird lately. As safe and secure as I feel in our relationship, there is this gut-wrenching feeling that I’m not allowed to be happy, something will go wrong and he’ll split.

I know this isn’t the case – he said he’s known where this is going from our first dinner together, and I know where I want things to go. I have never wanted anything more in my life than I do him. And I am so unbelievably lucky that he is everything I had ever hoped he would be; I couldn’t ask for someone to treat me any better.

I am my own worst enemy.

But I refuse to self-sabotage the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My demons can find a new home.

I AM allowed to be happy. I AM allowed to be loved, and love in return. And it’s OKAY to feel secure in a relationship. I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. 

So before you say something cruel or demeaning, think of the lasting effects of your words. Because, although it takes only seconds to say something out loud, the things you say can last a lifetime in someones heart.

Happiness in Vancouver

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Sometimes things have a funny way of working themselves out.

The last few weeks have been incredible.

The BF and I have a little routine going, and I’m really quite content. He is full of (good) surprises and definitely keeps me on my toes.

Saturday’s are date night, and we’re eating our way around our favourite restaurants. Sunday’s have taken on a new meaning; it’s the only full day off we have together. We make dinner (he helps prep and I cook, and it works), drink wine and then talk for hours.

When I’m with him, I am my true self, completely. He doesn’t judge me for the things I say, or the things I’ve done; he accepts me for who I am. And he makes me laugh. He is so incredibly kind and generous, and I have never so wholeheartedly wanted to get to know someone, inside and out.

I’m quite sure I know where this is going, and I’m glad we’re taking our time getting to know each other. The best relationships are built on a stable foundation, and we seem to be building a rock solid one.

I can honestly say I’ve never been happier. If this is what it feels like to really fall for someone, then I am glad it’s happening with him.




The Do-Over Request


Have you ever had one of those days that literally nothing goes right? That you wish you could just hop back into bed and then start all over again?

I’m having one of those days.

I barely slept last night, due in part to my insomnia, and part to having to many things on my mind. Then I was almost late for work because my damn curly hair didn’t want to be tamed into a bun.

I got to work and dropped a tray of instruments, almost choked myself when the string of my glasses got caught on my overhead light, and then got told I couldn’t have 3hrs off for a Continuing Education course (because patients were already pre-booked.)

It doesn’t help that my uterus is also trying to escape, which, as you ladies know, isn’t the greatest feeling in the world. My teeth hurt – I had my wires changed yesterday, and I have a migraine starting.

Oh, and I can’t tell anyone at work about my awesome weekend.

Needless to say… Can I have a do-over?


So, The BF is amazing. When he found out I was having such a terrible day, he insisted on taking me out for a steak dinner, and then stopped on the way home so I could buy chocolate. Needless to say, my day was greatly improved. He’s a keeper.

Everything Happens For A Reason

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I guess you could say that things work out the way they’re meant to.

We’ve officially been on 5 dates, including New Years, and are “seeing each other”.

did have some reservations at first – he is 15 years my senior. But that’s also why I like him- he knows what he wants, is too mature to play games, and treats me the way any woman hopes to be treated. He really is wonderful.

Because of the potential of repercussions from us dating, I can’t really be more specific about…anything. He’s a very private person, understandably. And until we know it’s going to be long-term, I won’t be telling anyone, other than my close friends. There are just some things that are better off being unsaid till the time is right. (And I’m sure my parents would just assume they’re marrying off another daughter. Yeah, not ready for that yet!!)

But until that happens, I’m going to enjoy keeping him to myself.

The One in Which I Get Back on the Dating Horse


There are just some things that don’t change with age.

This year I made a bit of a re-entry into the dating world, after taking a couple of years off to figure myself out.

A few months ago, I went on a blind date with a guy who is friends with one of my friends husbands. He was nice, it wasn’t awkward at all. But he was pretty dull. And really only talked about himself and his interests. There wasn’t really any real conversation. Also, there wasn’t any chemistry. But I was proud of myself for putting myself out there.

My more recent date involved someone who was out of my comfort zone – in age, potential for awkwardness and extreme embarrassment, and danger of repercussions. But I watched the situation for a few months to feel it out, and with the urging of my close friends, I made a move and asked him to dinner – albeit a friendly one. Things went well, and he ended up taking me to dinner a few weeks later. Anyway, I won’t say any more, because I don’t want to jinx anything and I’m not entirely sure what he wants. Story of my life.

Except this time I know what I want.

I feel that this was a turning point for me and dating.Grown-up decisions were made, and though things didn’t exactly turn out the way myself and my friends thought they would, the world is still turning. I have a new-found confidence in myself, and I know what I want and what I’m willing to compromise on. If things have to be a little awkward for a while in order for me to learn these lessons, then c’est la vie.

Because It’s About Time I Wrote Again…


It’s been a long while since I wrote last. Not for lack of subject, but because I’ve lived my life.

I went to France last year with my parents, with a side trip to Budapest with the family. It was the experience of a life time – with some very memorable moments! I learned that I can absolutely travel with our family as a whole, but with just my parents…let’s just say I’m very happy that I’m not an only child!

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Map of My Life

Today is my last day of being 27.

I’m currently enroute home to the Island, so I figured this was as good of a time as any to reflect on life.

For starters, this is also the 10th year since I graduated High School. And my life is very different than where I thought I’d be.

I always thought I’d be starting a family by now, or at the very least be married. But no, I’m single as fuck. (Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of positives, ie, staying in bed till 3 in the afternoon and noone giving me shit about it!) But still. My parent were almost married at my age… I really need to get on that…

One thing is as planned, and that is having finished my post-secondary education and becoming a Hygienist. And somehow I always figured I’d be living in Vancouver at some point in my life. And I have taken that initial backpacking trip to Europe.

But I don’t own a house, my social group is very different than it once was, I’m alone, and I’m a very different person.

Twenty years ago, when I was 8, I had tons of friends, but I was shy and quiet. This made me an easy target for bullies. My sisters picked on me, I cried a lot. Like, a lot.

Fast forward 5 years to when I started High School, I was still impossibly quiet. I had fewer friends and my sisters still picked on me, but I had Sea Cadets and sports to take my mind off things, and I excelled at both. Sea Cadets gave me a voice, and every athletic team I was on gave me a reason to use it.

But the time I was graduating High School, I had a voice. And I used it, too much sometimes. I had a close group of friends, a boyfriend, and I had a plan for life – I was going to take half a year off, go to school, get married, have babies.

Yeah, that didn’t happen.

My early twenties was a bit of a gong show. I didn’t get into trouble or anything, but I just didn’t know who I was or what I really wanted in life. My friends were good, but some of them were a bad influence (not bad things, but attitude wise) and I started becoming someone that, looking back, I don’t like. I wasn’t awful or anything, but I was negative about life and could have just been a lot…nicer. But I think we all have to go through that at some point.

Once I hit 24, things started to fall into place for me. I was still pining over my lost love, but I had the courage to leave Canada for a few weeks and go on an adventure with one of my best friends. I’m still certain that was the turning point for me. It humbled me – it made me appreciate what I have, and gave me new purpose.

When I got back, and made the decision to move, I felt like my little world was slowly getting bigger.

Almost 4 years later, I finally feel that my life makes sense, and I am the person that I am meant to be. I have grown out of the cocky teenager, the whiny-know-it-all young adult, and into a (I think) respectful, pleasant adult. I mean, I still get moody (who doesn’t!) but I’m a lot nicer and easier to get along with. And I have amazing friends. It’s true what they say, people come and go in your life, but the important ones are the ones who stay.

I have come to realize that things happen for a reason. You can wish for something every night, but unless it’s part of your destiny, it ain’t coming true. You control your life, but you can’t always control who comes and goes in it.

I don’t know what the future holds, past this summer, but I know that there’s no point in mapping out life plans. Life isn’t set in stone – it can take you in any direction.

New Year, No Cares

Every now and then life gets too busy or lame, and things get forgotten. Like my blogs.

It’s not like they haven’t been sitting in the back of my mind, but I just haven’t…had anything to write.

Usually I post a “Year in Review” but for reasons due to a winter illness, laziness, and having a life, it didn’t happen. I feel like I failed you, my dear blog readers. My apologies. Also, not, because I had a hilarious New Years, enjoying lots of social time when I go home, working like crazy, and knitting up a storm.

After the holidays, I finally succumbed to the need for fresh ink and got my teeth tattoo done. It’s amazing. (I also don’t know why the picture is so big, and it’s too late in the evening for me to figure it out.)Teeth Tattoo

Now that the holiday frenzy has died down, I’ve been working and sleeping and making excuses to not start back at yoga or the gym. There are many.

Most of my excuses stem from just hating having to rely on transit. For real. I’m quite tired of not having a vehicle, and I’m contemplating getting one in the coming year. I have so much debt from school, but with a steady job and a decent income, it is realistic, after my summer plans, of course.

This summer I’m finally planning on taking my graduation trip – France for three weeks! I’ve been to Europe once before, but to Eastern Europe, and France has always been near the top of my travel list. I may be going with one of my cousins, but if she’s unable to go, I still plan on going!

After such an emotional last year, even though we’re almost two months into this year, it’s already shaping up to be a good one! I’ve decided to live this year without care – life’s too short to give a fuck over the drama life brings. I have great friends, a wonderful family, and I finally make enough money to do the things I’ve always wanted to do.

What fun things to you have planned for this year, dear readers?

The End of Unemployment (Or, How I Have A Life Again)

Oh, yeah. I have a blog.

It’s taken me this long to admit how bad things have been of late. (Just financially, everything else has been great!)

My life the last few months has been pretty boring and pathetic. Like. Watching movies, reading, knitting, and cooking kind of boring.

It took me a very long time to find a permanent dental hygiene job. So much so that I almost gave up and moved back to the island. I hardly worked in September and the beginning of this month, so I literally had barely enough money to pay rent and not much else. I even had to ask my parents for help to buy groceries. As a 27-year-old, it was probably the most awful feeling, stressing about finding a job, and having to ask my parents for help to live.

At my age, I should be well enough established to not need financial assistance. But then again, I didn’t work for two years while going through dental hygiene school, and had expected to do it in three years (the first two part-time). If that had happened, I would most likely not have as much debt as I do now, but then I would have been done a year later. C’est la vie.

So I holed up while I was looking for work. Hanging out with friends means spending money. Leaving the house means spending money. I travelled back and forth to work, and back and forth to the Island when I had more than a few days off in a row. And not much else.

Then, one day I was temping and my luck changed.

I was assisting at the office I worked at before I started school, and the Office Manager asked if she could talk to me. (Why is it when someone says that, you automatically think the worst? Even though I knew that I had no reason to be worried, I still got butterflies as I walked into her office.) As it so happened, one of the hygienists had decided to cut back her hours so she could help a friend who was going on mat. leave. So, because they know me and like me, and knew how much I needed a job, the OM offered me the position. I would have been stupid not to have accepted it, so I did.

I will be working 3 and 4 days a week, Thursday to Sunday, and alternating Saturdays. The pay isn’t what I would hope to start at, but my office is part of a larger dental group, and they start all their employees at the same rate, to be fair. After three months I may be eligible for a higher wage, so I will just have to work my ass off and show them that I am worth more.

My first official day is Oct. 25th, but I covered someones shift on the 19th. So. Yeah. I’m officially employed…

And? I’m going to be able to afford to live again.

Return of “Week In Review”

Some of you may remember how I used to do a “Week in Review,” before school got monotonous and every week passed without any real difference from the last.

Now that school is over, and I’m pulling at strings to find interesting things to blog about, I have decided to bring back “Week in Review,” to force myself to sit and write at least once per week.

Because I have creative licence, I’m going to do things a little different from before. I used to do a top ten, or pick highlights from the week. Since I’m bringing it back, I may as well revamp it! Each Sunday, I’ll write a Monday to Sunday list, and pick the best (or worst) thing from each day, or a story of something that happened. That way, I’ll force myself to pick at least seven things to blog about.

So, without further ado…

  • Monday: I’m allowed to be vague, so I’ll just say that the events of Monday threw me for a loop. Words to describe this day? Devastated. Angry. Hurt. Betrayed.
  • Tuesday: I was supposed to work, but as I had been fighting a bad sore throat, I made the medical decision to call in sick. Good thing too, because…
  • Wednesday: …the doctor at the walk-in clinic told me my glands were leaking pus (which would explain the terrible taste I kept getting in my throat) and she would need to swab me for Strep Throat. Swell. (I never did hear back, so I’m assuming the pus was nothing…? But really…) In order to combat the fever I’m sure I had (it was so hot out, I couldn’t really tell anyway) my sister and I decided to go lie on the dock at the lake. Solid choice.
  • Thursday: Rough day at work. So long. So busy. But my landlords and their kids left to go camping, so it was very peaceful when I got home..
  • Friday: Lovely morning. So quiet. Shorter day at work. The dentist I’m working with is the same age as me. She invited me out for lunch with her and one of the dentists and CDA’s from the other office in the mall. It was nice to have a break from work, with girls my age! Also of note, my bff Ley and I had a girls night over Skype. Sometimes, I just love technology!
  • Saturday: Woke up to my landlords parents making a racket outside my bedroom window. Was supremely not impressed – I hardly ever get real peace and quiet around here, so was incredibly annoyed to be woken up on one of those rare occasions. Fortunately, I had plans with my sister and some of her wrestling teammates to go the lake again, so waking up early wasn’t in vain. Not the best lake day, though – not nearly as warm or sunny as Wednesday, but it was nice to get out and get some fresh air!
  • Sunday: I gloriously slept in till 11. Like, I didn’t even wake up at all till then. Then I cooked myself gluten-free Crepes for breakfast. This was the first time I successfully make them without a major failure, so I was pretty happy. They didn’t look amazing, but at least I didn’t have to throw out the batter! I spent the better part of my day watching movies and knitting, and then made Egg Drop Soup for dinner. (My mom recently was clearing some old boxes out, and gave me some old recipe books, including a Chinese cook book. If everything else in there is as good as the Egg Drop Soup…I can’t wait!) I finished the day off by watching the Season Finale of my new fave summer show, Political Animals. (If you haven’t seen it, it’s quite good!) And now it’s time for bed.

Hope everyone has a great week!